Tainted Love ... A Kikyou x Naraku Shrine

A Mere Memory

I wandered through the village that had once been my home. It looks the same just as it used to. Everything is so familiar, even though it has been years since I last walked upon this path. The cool night air brushes against my face and I breathed in its fresh, piney scent. The stars flicker dimly in the night sky as the moonlight bathes the earth with its pale, silvery glow. There was nothing that suggested that anything had changed.

This place which had once been my home didn't change. However, that is the only thing I have left behind when I died that day that hasn't changed at all. Everything and everybody else that I have left behind have changed.

I entered a familiar hut and almost smiled at the sight of my sister sleeping peacefully on a cot, wearing the smile she would wear when she was sleeping in her younger years.

Kaede has changed. It wasn't just her features that had changed; it was her heart that had changed. The heart that had once been devoted to me - her older sister - no longer held the love that she had when I was still alive. It made me sad, but I guess it's just human to forget someone who has left us behind to follow someone else in death instead of staying with them. But I didn't have a choice, did I? If I had used the Jewel to save myself, I would have tainted it. Naraku's plan would have succeeded. It did succeed, anyway.

Curse that Tsubaki...the woman who placed the curse on me. I guess it can't be helped, can it? I would have still found it in my heart to treat that bandit, Onigumo, and his feelings for me would have developed him into Naraku. I can't even blame Fate for mapping out this destiny for me. All I can do is long and wish, and not blame others for what couldn't have been avoided.

I ran my fingers through Kaede's hair just as I always did when she was younger, and I almost smiled when a soft breath of pleasure escape her lips and her smile widened ever so slightly.

I slowly removed my hand from her head and turned my back on her, walking slowly out of her hut and meeting the cool breeze of the night once more.

I walked straight to the hut next to Kaede's, slipped inside, and a pang of sadness lingered in my heart as my eyes softened with sorrow. There in front of me, sleeping tenderly side by side, were my reincarnation and my former love.

Kagome's arm was draped over Inuyasha, and she wore a soft smile, as if she were dreaming of something happy. Inuyasha's hand was slightly holding Kagome's free one, his grip loose, but nevertheless, gently firm.

All I could think about was how happy they looked together, sleeping side by side, touching each other in their sleep with much affection. It made me feel so many emotions at once that I couldn't name them all.

Jealousy consumed me as I realized how happy they were together, and how much love had developed between them. My envy was shattered with sadness as tears threatened to fall. But of course, I could not shed a single tear, for this clay body makes me devoid of any emotions. Even if I could shed tears, I would not. Crying makes me feel weak, and I despise feeling weak, especially in front of Inuyasha.

I feel sad that Inuyasha seemed to have forgotten me so quickly, and he doesn't think of me as his lover any longer, but as a phantom of the past that refuses to let go of what has already been lost. I've already let go of the past, however, but I just can't accept what's happened between us. I guess I accept what's happened, but I just wish it hadn't. I...I can't explain it. There isn't enough words to describe how much I want to go back in time and embrace life with Inuyasha.

But I was also happy at the thought that Inuyasha had moved on and found another woman to love, and that Kagome was happy too, given the chance that I could never have.

I froze as Inuyasha shifted in his sleep, but relaxed as he did nothing more. My eyes soften as his lips part to whisper my name, "Kikyo..."

I smiled sadly. Inuyasha...

It's been about half a century, yet you still identical to that day we first met. Your long, silver hair is still as smooth and silky as I remember it to be. Your face looks as innocent, yet...softer. My instution was true; Kagome had melted your heart. It makes me envious and sad that I could not be the one who melted your heart, yet happy that your heart has been healed by the one you love.

Your closed eyelids conceal the same golden orbs I loved so much. I wish you could open them right now, just so I could gaze into them one last time. But I know it won't ever be the same. The amber eyes I have always loved looking into no longer hold the love that had once been for me. Whenever those eyes look at me long after I was resserected, I could see no love; only pity, sympathy, confusion, guilt, and other emotions I can't name.

You know as well as I do that you no longer love me, Inuyasha. I am nothing but a phantom of the past, dwelling in a time I should not exist in. I know I don't belong in this world of the living, but I can't bring myself to leave...not yet. I was brought back against my will, and I have yet to fufill my purpose - to destroy Naraku and release the pain and suffering he's inflicted on innocent people, as well as for the self-satisfaction of gaining revenge for what he did to us - before returning back to Kagome to rest in peace.

You think you love me, Inuyasha. However, those feelings are merely memories of the past. Memories and nothing more. A part of me wants you to remember all of the times we had together, just so I know that the heart of the Inuyasha who once loved me didn't die that day I pinned you to the tree. I want to know that I will always have a special place in your heart, even if it won't ever overcome the place that Kagome has in your heart. I want to be in your heart, Inuyasha...forgotten, but not lost.

The other part of me wants you to forget so you can be happy. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy. I want you to forget so memories of me won't return to haunt you, convincing you to remember and love me while you love Kagome.

I'm so sorry, Inuyasha. I can't forgive myself for causing you so much pain. Even after all the times I hurt you, intentionally and unintentionally, you forgave me.

When I was revived, I was so confused and hurt...but I allowed those emotions to consume me and control me. I allowed them to change into anger, and I released that anger upon you. I know I shouldn't have allowed that anger to overpower me, but I was just so bitter and upset that you would dare forget me after all we've been through. I know I had the right to be hurt and sad and angry, but still...I'm sorry, Inuyasha.

I even feel guilt and sadness at this moment when I remember you staring sadly after me when I drifted away from you to pursue my own goals and dreams. My heart rises ever so slightly with happiness when I remember the words you whispered in my ear, the warmth of your body as you placed your strong arms around me in an embrace, the tenderness in your eyes as they gazed into mine that night when you rescued me from Naraku. But I knew it was wrong...I couldn't be with you. I wanted to tell you to leave me alone, to forget me and move on and stay with Kagome, but...you're just too stubborn, Inuyasha.

Can't you see that staying with me with hurts Kagome and myself? But I know...it must hurt you the most...to look back on the times that I caused you pain...and to forget what I did to you...to see the true me through this clay body that feels nothing...and to embrace me and promise me your heart...

You forgave me. Even after what I did, even after making you watch and feel what happened when Naraku turned us against each other, even after making you promise something to a mere memory of me that tried to replace Kagome, even after I left you to pursue my own selfish goal to gain revenge and the self-satisfaction of destroying Naraku, you forgave me. You have such a pure heart, Inuyasha. I forgive you for forgetting me, but it's hard to accept that you'd forgive me after all I've done.

You don't love me. I know that and understand that. But you think you love me and try to run after a memory that is...only a memory. A memory and nothing more.

In doing so, you inflict pain upon Kagome's heart, as well as mine, and you bear pain as well.

It isn't fair...to Kagome, me, and certainly not you.

You love Kagome, Inuyasha. She is the most precious person to you. I wish it was I who was the most precious person to you. Why can't I be the woman in your eyes, your mind, and your heart?

I'm selfish, I admit. I know I'm selfish. But isn't being selfish human? Isn't being jealous of the woman you love human? Being sad and envious of your love for her only proves that I love you, Inuyasha. Loving you makes me human.

The most happiest time of my life was the few moments when you strived to protect me, when you embraced me, when you loved me. I was so happy, Inuyasha. I was so happy, knowing that somebody understood me, loved me, would do anything for me...and of all people, it was you.

Curse that Naraku for tearing us apart. If not for him, we would have still been in love. We would have still been together, sharing happy times and happy memories together. But I suppose one good thing came out of it. You found someone better than I would have ever been.

Loving you brings me so much pain, but I have no regrets about loving you, Inuyasha. Even after all of the pain my weak heart has bore, even knowing that you no longer love me, but love another...I have no regrets.

I often wonder why Kagome loves you. I used to think that feelings within her stirred because of her connection with me. But I realize...Kagome loves you because she is Kagome...and being Kagome means loving you for being you, Inuyasha. I can't blame her for loving you, Inuyasha.

Kagome and I may have the same soul, and people may think that we are alike. That may be in some ways, but we are complete opposites.

Kagome is always happy and opens up to those around her, while I am manipulated by sadness, my heart locked away with the only key disposed of. She is kind and caring, while I am selfish and cold. She has a pure heart, while I am heartless.

I was denied to show emotions for so long that I'm used to concealing them, but I wish I were more like Kagome...loving, happy, full of life...

I can see why you love her, Inuyasha. I just can't help feeling sad and longing. Maybe if I were like Kagome, you would love me. But...I am not. Would it matter if I was like Kagome? You'd still love her, wouldn't you?

Of course you would. I'm a fool to think such thoughts...to think that you would ever love me, Inuyasha.

When you wake up, you only see her. When you go to sleep, you only dream of her. When you place your hand over your heart, you feel the warmth of the love that you have only for her. Only her. That's all your life resolves around. Only her.

I can never be in your eyes, your mind, nor your heart, can't I? There's no room for me, is there? I wish Fate hadn't broken the strings binding our paths together. But all I can do is wish...even knowing my wishes will never come true.

I despise admitting this, but I'm crying. No, I'm not shedding any tears, but I'm crying inside. Inside, I feel nothing but deep sorrow and pain as I shed layers and layers of those emotions, only to feel them build up inside me just as rapidly. I despise being so weak, but I guess that loving you makes me weak. Love is a wonderful but painful thing.

Before I can stop myself, I crouch before you and place my hand over your cheek gently. In this clay body, I feel no warmth...so why do I feel warmth whenever I touch you? The warmth of your soft skin surges through my entire body, and I feel my knees buckle slightly. A soft moan escaped your lips at my touch, and suddenly, your hand grabs mine.

I froze. I watched as you shift so that you're facing me, your hand tightening its gentle grip on mine.

"Kikyo...stay with me."

For a moment, my heart rose with happiness. Are you really dreaming about being with me? Do you still...do you still really love me?

My heart sank heavily, as quickly as it had rose. This is wrong...I can't be here. I don't belong here. You belong with Kagome. I am only a mere memory that needs to stop haunting you. I don't belong here...I don't belong with you.

I slipped my hand from yours and quickly rose to my feet, crying inwardly again. This is it...the last time I'll ever see you again. I know I'm doing the right thing, yet I can't stop thinking that I should do the wrong thing and be happy. But...I can't. I have to do what's right...for Kagome, myself, and...you.

Before I leave, I want one last thing...just one thing. I crouch down again and settle my gaze upon your face. Finally, I lean down and place my lips over yours in a long kiss...my last kiss.

Your lips haven't changed either. They're as soft and tender as I remember them to be. But they have changed, in a way. They will no longer press back against my lips when I kiss you. This will be the last time I kiss you...but I won't feel the happiness of feeling you kiss me back.

As I remove my lips from yours and rise from my feet, I cry again and turn my back on you, leaving everything connected to you behind.

Everyone knows it, everyone understands it. I know and understand it, but I just can't accept it. I am nobody and I have nothing but a cursed life and I have no one. Only memories will keep me connected to you, Inuyasha.

But I will always want and love you, no matter what. Even knowing that you will never feel the same, I will always love you.

I won't ever be in your life any longer, but I promise you that I will watch over you. I'll always be watching over you, Inuyasha.

Perhaps Fate will tie the strings attaching our paths together again. Perhaps Fate will allow me to be with you...someday. I place my hand over my heart, feeling the warmth of your presence within.

Waiting for the chance to let our hearts beat together...that's the day I'm waiting for.

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